Soundtrack: Moby, "Play" - borrowed from Nick; Air, "Moon Safari" - borrowed from Jeb. Also the track by Big L(?) that opens up when you go to Ian Roger's site (I remember when it was on The Big Gun site and had a link to a topless DJ chick on it way back when... hahaha).
Hello again.
First of all, all that Ian Rogers stuff induced nostalgia for The Crash Site, and Mark Driver. I wish Mark wrote more, he's amazing.
Eleven days since I last wrote, and lately it seems all I have to do is write. Gotta start somewhere. I have this entry, I have a newspaper column submission that has yet to germinate, and I have a short monologue to write for playwriting. This seems to be taking priority, for no particularly good reason (procrastination?). I have written all my previous entries in the Add Entry form screen, but I refuse to push my luck from now on - MSWord all the way (goddamn URL auto-formatting). Lucky I never lost anything, though.
I was right when I predicted a lack of attention to this with the arrival of school, and while I do miss journaling (when did that get "verbed" anyway?), I am glad. It means I'm not in front of the box too much. I have read some of your journals and kept up to date; I have discovered a few, and stumbled over some I'd seen before, but in general I have neglected Diaryland (certainly no diary-bingeing as was the case several times over break). Good. This is all fairly convincing evidence that the lack of people I am interested in at home drives my interface addiction through the roof. Thanky-thanky for college.
There's so much meta-ground to cover lately. I was talking to Nick about ideas I had for a meta-column in the school paper, but I don't think they'd accept that. I'd love to do a column commenting on all the other columns and ripping them to shreds. That'd win me major points with the editors, I'm sure. Ahaha. I actually tried that last semester in a way; they didn't accept me (I can't believe the crap they printed instead *huff huff*). Time to find some other way to slip in and then start my meta-mischief. In the meantime, Diaryland meta-talk:
I am sorry to see Heather blanking her page. She is, after all, one of the big reasons I got this thing going.
Well, I surmised that you can tell if someone is hot from their writing, and I'll admit now that Heather and I were talking about Drunkgirl (among others). And I think she proved us right. Drunkgirl actually reminds me of a friend of mine I miss talking to a lot. I'm sure Heather would write something about her at this point with all of the anticipation, but uh, seeing as how her diary is dead (and I'm told that's for good), I don't think that will be happening.
I spoke about my utter disdain for kitten killing punkers, and thanks to Jason Kottke I read Srini's side of the story. I should know (given all the time I spend talking about the grayness of things) that it's never so black and white with personal conflicts. Clearly, it's a huge gigantic mess and I did pass judgement, which I suppose I ought to soften in light of further information, but I still find it tough to believe that tossing a kitten onto a sofa suddenly lands the critter through a window. Srini says "when i wanted to move the cat the sofa seemed to be a logical place to put her; obviously, i should have placed her there instead of tossing her, and i used a little too much force. i meant to toss the cat onto the sofa that sits right in front of the window. instead, to my own disbelief, she went through it (it was only about 1/4" thick, so it didn't take much)[,]" which smacks to me of bullshit. A small cat doesn't break a plate of glass with "a little too much force." Though James was silly to leave a sick pet with an irresponsible friend, I think Srini's initial harm to the cat is still the key, and while James is clearly not quite the angel he portrayed himself as, the spark to the fuel was the kitten frisbee. Maybe after my polysci course this semester I will feel differently. Yay, judicial process.
Back to sad news: Kim chose to delete much of her stuff, particularly before I had a chance to read it all. In fairness to her, she did warn that it was only a matter of time (so did Heather, but it came quite abruptly). So on a more general note of diary obliteration and whatnot, I'm inclined to say that deleting your words here is silly - without several months (or so) of reflection to decide how you truly feel about what you said, hitting the delete radio button and wiping out your old entries is a bad idea. I hated nearly all the art I did last year save for a few things, but I ended up hanging two of my figure studies on my wall this year - you come to love what you used to hate, eh Matthew Sweet? (I think editing an entry's thoughts after an hour or so (or whenever you stop proofing it) is cheating too, incidentally. Correcting grammar or slight details, yeah, but maintain genuineness.) I would encourage anyone who wants to delete their diary to save their entries for private reflection later. All of this continues to remind me of the rather ephemeral nature of linking to other people's diaries without clear references. Oh well.
People is interesting, but it isn't scaling very well. Soon enough it becomes another webring (*yawn* - when did I ever click those?), but at least it will solve a lot of "about me" issues, which is nice. I'm far more impressed with the thoughts of the man behind it. It is nice to see (as I predicted) that most any person will come out of their shell in due time.
Erik (which is clearly his name for sure, so I suppose that this hypothesis is proven now) brought up a point that set me off thinking. He asks: "do you put those words into your diaries. the first things to occur to you. or is the second thing to occur to you the true you. or is it the third. or do you have to take all three and really do some soul searching to find the true you."
The short answer, in my view, is to say "the last one" (for myself, of course, you out there might be far different). That's cheating though, so let's go for a longer elaboration on that. I believe my words here are a fair blend of the "spur of the moment" blathering (e.g. all of those "How great is [some CD here]?" spurts and tangent instantiations) and carefully considered observations and wordings (e.g. where that tangent takes me and connecting it back to whatever I was saying). Often this is not even the third thing to occur, but perhaps the fourth, or fifth. Nothing is necessarily any more or less me (or you), we are these huge jumbles of hormones and neurotransmitters controlling a sizable muscle mass and sensory system and under the influence of a variety of physical (and some might say natural and/or supernatural) laws. That complicated mess being expressed in words means that any level of your thinking, from the rash (perhaps even insensitive) original thoughts and the reflected-upon thoughts are both equally a part of who you are and what and do. You could draw parallels to the subconscious and conscious minds and which of those two is more or less you, but in the end, it's all your mind. (Incidentally, I think writing what comes immediately to your mind is difficult, since thoughts come and go so very quickly - neurons are crazy bumper-cars. One thing I admire about Nick (not the one I borrowed this CD from, that's Nick the roommate) is that he seems to write these first impressions and do justice to them, which I consider extremely difficult.) For me, writing any particular level of thought ("welcome to my second-guessed brain") would be cheap. Sometimes the very act of writing the thought causes it to be reconsidered, which I think is really good and a reason to do this.
One of the people I respect the most at my school is a Dean of the Medical School. He also teaches the political science class I will be taking this semester. This man is widely respected in his field(s) ([bio]ethics and judicial law, in particular). He also takes the time to hold open office hours nearly every day and is honestly interested in what his students have to say (I go out to bagels with him every now and again, it is always a pleasure). I had a bioethics class with him my first freshman semester and loved it - it was true "thinking" and pushing yourself to consider high concepts, struggling with them. He chooses his words with eloquence and humor and often closes a thought with "That's all I want to say about that for now," which drives me crazy waiting for where he is trying to lead us. His teaching always makes me feel like he's trying to compress these high thoughts into bite-sized chunks for our inexperienced and over-confident teenage brains that will somehow expand like those capsule sponges I had when I was a kid in the bath.
But what I most admire is that such a learned and respected man constantly seems to be putting his opinions and thoughts under review. I don't get the feeling that anything is completely set in stone for him when it comes to high-level issues. This isn't to say that his moral grounding is in question, but rather where it takes him. It seems that he is waiting for the best argument to win him over and is mulling over all the possibilities quite often. He is willing to discuss what he thought and why he may not think that anymore. So I suppose to conclude on my point about which thoughts are "really you," I'd say that whatever you say at a certain time marks you at that time, or whatever you could best express at that time. Sometimes thoughts can't find their way, which is (of course) horrifically frustrating. And when you reread your words, you may remember what else was spinning in your cranium (the first thought that you rewrote, the reconsideration you rejected) - the things no one else can really know, can only guess. But you will have a marker that told you where you were. If you keep those thoughts under review and are willing to put them under fire, then you will (in my estimation) reap the greatest reward.
Here is what I was just saying to my sister:
Her (9:55:21 PM): it's pathetic
Me (9:55:22 PM): you know what can you do
Her (9:55:26 PM): i know
Me (9:55:27 PM): some people have to drive their roads.
That was with respect to people doing stupid things, but the driving thing reminds me that I saw Going Nomad this past Saturday. I have to get back to movies at some point, right? Well, I saw it with a fair number of Coronas in me but I was with it, and it was quite enjoyable. I don't think it's a masterpiece, but I think it was a good homage to driving at night, which I really enjoy. In fact, what I didn't note in my millenium memoir was that I made sure I drove my favorite road once (or at least, the segment I enjoy the most, I should say). Driving at night is really pleasant, especially with a good CD; it's wonderful time to yourself. There's really very little "private space" in our lives, at least in a car you can really be on your own. Or some Kerouacian thing like that.
Anyway, I had a lot of Coronas in me because Nick (roommate Nick, duh) and I made fajitas (with Angus beef, mmm) and ended up having 6 guests. So it was a good thing that we had two 12 packs (bottles, rather) for the occasion, because we originally only had one. Not to miss out on the important details, I ran out to a restaurant and bought lime slices for the drinks while Nick was sizzling shit up. The fajitas turned out extremely well and it was a huge hit, I am really sold on the idea of continuing this and finding other meals that scale to a large group. Rock the party. After the movie I came back and ended up in some crazy drinking games with Sarah and some of her friends (Circle of Death, Horse Races). Tip: Yelling at cards does not make them go faster, but yet, I seemed to win a lot more than the rest of them. Tee hee. On the whole we are cooking and eating much better than last semester (can you say "pasta all the time?") and classes look much better than last semester (I've actually got too many that I want to take), so I can only conclude that things look really good. Isn't that nice to say? Yes.
I told the entire story to Brent on AIM in the wee hours (of the fajitas and the subsequent insanity). I also wanted to preserve three moments to remember later that just stayed with me during the day, and I insert them here:
jordan (4:23:14 AM): i needed to record the story
jordan (4:23:16 AM): also three moments
jordan (4:23:42 AM): 1) i was nearly ran into by a high school girl in a crowd of them on my way home from buying limes for the coronas i just stood there while she walked and nearly hit me until someone clued her in
jordan (4:24:30 AM): 2) the clerk at the convenience store who is this teenage girl was being hit on by this 20-something guy
Auto response from brent (4:24:30 AM): sleeping
jordan (4:24:55 AM): he was asking her if she wanted coffee
jordan (4:24:58 AM): he was blonde and had a goatee
brent (4:25:33 AM): yo
jordan (4:25:37 AM): hi oh hey
brent (4:25:38 AM): fucker
jordan (4:25:41 AM): you have reading to do
jordan (4:25:42 AM): a lot of it
brent (4:25:48 AM): your stupid aim window lit up the monitor
jordan (4:25:49 AM): im gonna keep typing
jordan (4:25:56 AM): well fuck you
brent (4:25:57 AM): so I got up to see if it was someone and it was you and I am caught up
jordan (4:25:59 AM): if that wakes you up
jordan (4:26:04 AM): oh well that's good
jordan (4:26:12 AM): so the guy asks her if she wants something to eat
brent (4:26:14 AM): it wakes me up if you catch it before the monitor shuts itself off
brent (4:26:26 AM): holdon getting water
jordan (4:26:32 AM): and she's like (i don't use POWER MANAGEMENT) i have a store full of food but thanks
jordan (4:26:53 AM): he's like "cause dunkin donuts" and kinda trails off like he would walk the fucking two steps it takes to get to dunkin to get her coffee
jordan (4:26:54 AM): the class act
jordan (4:27:03 AM): she's this teenage brunette, nice girl, opened up the store for me
jordan (4:27:10 AM): a couple of days ago, i wanted gatorade
jordan (4:27:20 AM): she was nice, very teen clerk punker
jordan (4:27:23 AM): anyway
brent (4:27:28 AM): yo
brent (4:27:31 AM): my day beats up your day
jordan (4:27:35 AM): so he mumbles "oh well maybe ill come back later"
jordan (4:27:39 AM): (fuck off)
jordan (4:27:43 AM): and stumbles out
jordan (4:27:47 AM): and im like such a fan club eh
jordan (4:27:49 AM): or something
jordan (4:27:57 AM): and she says yeah really i have two stalkers now
jordan (4:28:01 AM): shes just racking em up
jordan (4:28:03 AM): so i leave
jordan (4:28:10 AM): and the homeless guy outside who asked for change when i came in
jordan (4:28:15 AM): (and i ignored)
jordan (4:28:25 AM): is talking with this very trendy NY crowd guy who i know of just in passing
jordan (4:28:28 AM): i dont even know his name
jordan (4:29:29 AM): and guy asks homeless how he's doing and homeless says "not so bad" and guy says "well not so bad for..." and i assume he was talking about being homeless but i was gone
That moment with the homeless guy and the New Yorker was the third one, I neglected to label it as such.
Hey, Nick and I just put up a fucking enormous subway poster. It looks like this:
last five [im]personal journal entries:
