2000-02-25 :: 14:59:52

when nothing is more than anything

Soundtrack: Ben Lee, "Cigarettes Will Kill You" - single MP3; The Smashing Pumpkins, "Adore", four tracks ("Stand Inside Your Love", "Raindrops & Sunshowers", "The Imploding Voice", "With Every Light") from the upcoming album "MACHINA / The Machines of God" - MP3, thanks to Mike; Guster, "Lost and Gone Forever"

There were some truly raw emotions I experienced this week, particularly on Monday and Tuesday. I considered writing about them in the powerful self-involvement of the moment, but instead I now write about them in reflection and - I hope - perhaps with some decent closure, even within the span of a few days.

I described a conversation where I said the other party and I were "relating that well." Unfortunately, the genuine truth of the matter is that we both were hearing what we wanted to hear, and what we each wanted to hear were different things. Chalking it all up to miscommunication is an easy way out, and I am loath to blame it on such a simple (and no-fault) excuse. This is not to say that I do not understand that some blame is to be had on both ends; there is rarely a completely one-sided conflict. I call mine a crime of hope, hers of untruth - or perhaps, if one was more gentle in wording, politeness.

And so I leave out many of the details here - they are irrelevant and recorded elsewhere. Confusion and games between men and women (or boys and girls, you might say) continue, and this was no exception, though I wanted to believe otherwise. You can fill in the blanks here from your own trials. We all know what this disappointment is like. But how I handled the situation differed from my normal path, and I think it was the best way I've gone about dealing with such a nasty, ugly going-on. While I would typically be inclined to over-speak in an attempt to communicate my point of view, I used silence instead. Perhaps the journaling (alright, so I say a lot here) and playwriting is paying off in that respect. Instead of wondering if I had said the right words, or if I left something to be [mis]interpreted, the empty air spoke all I needed to say and emphasized anything I did choose to vocalize. She listened.

So why do I finally write about this here? I suppose this is the end of what could have been a much longer, dramatic chapter. For certain, things like this have gone on to much more dragged out and immature endings. Relationships cut apart, phones hung up, friendships mangled, uncomfortable passings-by on the sidewalk with an awkward "hello" barely murmured by either of us. This doesn't even touch upon the childish political games of who sides with whom when problems arise in a common circle of friends, which has been - thankfully - avoided. The whole conclusion seems to be fairly mature, and that, at least, is a positive outcome. Despite her having fallen into the trap of playing girl games, she was big enough to understand her mistake and apologize for it and not try to escape the situation outside of a few attempts at half-hearted smalltalk. When I got up to leave, she reached out to keep the lines open while I gave no indication one way or another outside of a brief comment on the drinks and a wave.

I think she was at the ATM yesterday as I ran into the bank to reopen my account. I ducked into the bank offices before she turned around, not wanting such a speedy reunion. We crossed paths on the Green today, not more than half an hour ago as I write this. I didn't see her coming; she waved and smiled, and I take this to mean she understands her wrong and isn't pissing on me for what transpired. I know many girls who would probably never talk to me at this point, and I wouldn't want to talk to them if that was the case. She's strong, and she's decent even in light of this frustrating occurrence. I would hope that she really did learn a lesson in all of this, and I would hope that I did, too [finally]. We are humans, and humans are flawed, but at least we're both doing the best we can to make good of a lousy twist.

The old "forgive but do not forget" policy seems to be what is best now. Sarah has often talked to me about using past events in order to decide the face value of what someone says to you, but not holding a grudge. That seems to be the healthiest thing to do, and in fact, what I will do. I don't apologize for my actions; I won't press her to stew in her guilt for hers. We will move on from here. Had I not been engaged in conversation with a classmate I'd probably have stopped and asked how she is. So, next time.

Incidentally, this freshman neuro girl I diggy-diggy was signed up right before me at the bank for customer service. However, she was gone by the time I arrived. Too bad I hadn't arrived a bit earlier... hahaha.

I associate songs with events. For example, I associate "Perfect" with one of the more dramatic situations similar to the one I just escaped. And this one I'll probably end up associating with "Cigarettes Will Kill You," which has this infectious piano riff that slinks into your ear and drills into your brain. The lyrics are pretty high school, but somehow feel fitting... I have "I wish I could say that everyone was wrong" coming out of my mouth at inopportune times lately.

I saw Ben Lee perform at the Bowery Ballroom last year, and it was pretty good. I didn't know much of his stuff (*ahem* any of it) but the club was clean and beautiful and the staff was super, super nice. I was let in for free by security (yep, a guy let a guy in for free) because I'd taken a bus down from Providence to see Fountains of Wayne, but it turned out they had canceled at the last minute because Chris' voice had given out in Jersey the day before and it couldn't be fixed, even with steroids. I couldn't have done anything since I was on a bus when they canceled, but it was really depressing. So the guy just lets me in and tells me "Have a good time," and I was floored.

Ben was the opener and did his thing with this teenage band that I'm told he fired not too long after I saw him, I think it was last summer that they got the boot. I'm told he did it right before this radio station show and they were all crying and had to go on and play out the show as if it was totally nothing out of the ordinary, when they knew it was their last show together. There were these two cute teenage keyboardist girls, one redhead, one blonde (she had a theramin, too). I remember them chilling in the audience for rest of the show and hanging out with their friends that had come to see them. Hm.

The replacement for the Fountains was Will Oldham and Friends, and I had no idea who he was. I have since learned that he does have some fans, but I am going to be blasphemous and say that I didn't really enjoy his set. Then again, I was bitter as all hell that it wasn't my Fountains, but nonetheless, I think he covered AC/DC at some point... I don't know, it wasn't my thing. But maybe since Kimberly loves him so much I will check him out again at some point. (I would also like to note that she has done a fine job describing Northern Virginia... complete with an [at least somewhat] similar Jordan.)

I was more amused standing behind Claire Danes and watching her and Evan Dando rock out to Ben like it was some non-celebrity teenage girlfriend watching her would-be rocker boyfriend play out at some friend's party or college kegger. She's super tiny, she's this little blonde wisp you'd be afraid to blow on. So is Evan, if it was he, and I'm pretty sure it was. Anyway, I got a bang out of watching them and most people left her alone, which was cool (it was also New York). My friend at Yale told me some funny stories about her and her apparent inability to fit in with the "regular" (haha) folks, but she still rocks out like one. She and Ben were really cute, even if his head is about 1.5 times the size of hers. The upshot of the story is that I ended up emailing the Fountains wishing them well before they hit Europe and expressing my hopes to see them when they returned. Chris emailed me back about two hours later... that was beyond rad. His closing was my favorite part: "Thanks for the kind words about the records. Hope to see you on the road - I'm off to guzzle some antibiotics and fall asleep."

Alright, this celebrity gossip name dropping session is over. I'm completely off from where I wanted to go. Ah, but I'm hungry. I think I'll get some food, then see about writing more or posting this.

[to kitchen @ 3:45]

[returned @ 6:00]

I'd feel like I was cheating if I didn't note when I wasn't here writing. I came back and edited the entry for a while, but I didn't add much of anything until this part. I ended up finally catching Ken and talking to him about all sorts of funny stuff; he's such a character. His toughest decision about employment this summer is whether he works in New York or London. Well, it looks like this is all for now. I jotted down the other stuff I forgot to mention, so I'll be sure to hammer on it some other time. I am trying to make my peace with [comparatively] shorter but somewhat more frequent entries, so here's a start.