2000-01-07 :: 16:18:41

struck sex

Soundtrack: Portishead, "Roseland NYC Live" - still borrowed from Mike

The first spin of this CD, I didn't like it that much. Now I can't get it out of my head. Hooray Geoff Barrow, your scratching is quite the accent. According to the insert, Geoff isn't a DJ... he a musician that plays the "Decks." Nice credit, I'd agree.

Never let it be said that I'm not a goal-oriented person. Haha. I got the t-shirt that I was lusting after. It actually looks even better than I thought, though I could deal without the Pokemon logo on the back neck area. I'll learn to love that. I'll wear it to Fantasia 2000 tonight, which may be Disney-blasphemy, but Mickey can suck Pikachu cock.

Admire my fashion statement:

There are a lot of things to get out in this entry, I fear that I won't be able to touch on them all. So here is a quick overview, and maybe I'll revisit some of these concepts later with more elaboration. Then again.

Been driving late at night a great deal, and I really enjoy/recommend it. Playing a lot of The KLF and connecting the streetlamps in pearl necklace fashion, it's relaxing. I smelled pecan pie in the air one night... that seemed really nice until I was told by Dad that there was an antifreeze leak. So much for pie smell. Oops.

I was chiding Brent about the fact that he doesn't recycle anything. His theory was that it's one of those "you want to be the exception" things, like speeding. You want the cops to catch speeders and keep the roads safe, you just don't want to be the speeder that gets caught. So you hedge your bets that you'll be the exception. I'm guilty of this philosophy, but I'm still sure it all catches up to you eventually. There is no power of one, but there's a big problem with a lot of people saying that... if that makes [oxy]moronic sense.

On an incidental driving note, I saw this kid named Dave in the passenger seat of the car to my left for a bit. He looks kinda like Dave Letterman; I went to middle school with him and saw him in a choral show a little while later in high school. He didn't see me on any of these events. I often wonder who I am passing on the road. They all have lives, they're all going somewhere. Where? Some of them are picking their noses, some are singing to the same song I am hearing on the radio (connection). What is all of this gas pushing people to do? I suppose I could associate that to the whole online diary thing. A peek inside the passerbys' head(s).

Hey, I read a French diary... some of it, at least. I love how stuff gets translated strangely, but some of it is really elegant, the way you expect a foreign writer to sound.

I am really weirded out hearing drum and bass in Sears new television ad campaign, complete with hyperactive editing and a very modern "interface" to the whole look of it. I bet all of you Roni Size fans feel really cutting edge now. Haha. Where's the next big thing?! Oh Madison Avenue, tell me, tell me!

Brent's family got this souped-up entertainment center (the whole package: DVD, 5.1 speakers/subwoofer, huge TV, receiver, Dolby Digital satellite) and I was over there enjoying a fine beginning to Zelda 64, but I found I just didn't have the patience. He made some comment about having more patience when he was younger for those sorts of things (how many of you know every dungeon in Legend of Zelda by heart?) but not anymore. I'll probably get Zelda for my Game Boy Color; not having an N64, well, probably won't be seeing much of Zelda 64 until I get the emulator working on my PC. But the interesting part was his remark about how video games are just a few weeks of banging your head against a wall, that he felt that you know when you are playing them that you aren't accomplishing anything. I was just struck by how that could apply to a whole bunch of shit... watching just about anything, all the music to which you listen, reading magazines and books, experience in general. I guess you could say video games don't have as much life-changing experience, but a good story is always a good story, and Zelda obviously has it -- I just don't have the patience at the moment. So I guess it's a question of deciding whether it's worth the time, just like anything else.

Struck. I was also struck that the email address in this entry is [email protected]. Person? Hm.

Hahaha:

brent (2:48:49 AM): oh heh
brent (2:49:12 AM): you know
brent (2:49:16 AM): men think
brent (2:49:17 AM): and women talk
brent (2:49:22 AM): would you like proof

jordan (2:49:30 AM): sure

brent (2:49:39 AM): men have two heads and yet women have two lips
brent (2:49:42 AM): erm two sets of lips

jordan (2:49:54 AM): KICK ASS

I saw Election, which I particularly enjoyed. Broderick playing the Ed Rooney role was interesting, and it has a line 5 minutes in that totally blew my brains out and made me realize that this was not going to be what I expected. A good film from MTV Films, hard as it is to believe. Here's a great line:

Tammy Metzler: It's not like I'm a lesbian or anything. I'm attracted to the person. It's just that all the people I've been attracted to happen to be girls.

Hahaha. Oh, yessirree. This film is an great segue for discussion of fidelity, (and on that note, polyamory, which I'm dying to riff on), and sexuality. But first, I think the greatest thing the film has to offer is the philosophy that there are different ways to be happy, and everyone thinks theirs is right (boy, there's a lot of that around here, isn't there?). So then what? Take everyone else's opinion with a grain of salt? What if you really are wrong, and should be corrected? Can anyone make that judgement? Argh. I'm opinionated, so all of this isn't happily gelling. I suppose all I can do is toss the ideas forth and see what happens.

I've been learning since freshman year of college that different people do different things for their jollies, and I really want to respect that. Easier said than done. When one of Sarah's friends, a varsity baseball player, announced that he was "off to binge drink" with a large smile, it was hard to smile along. I had a huge talk with her about that sort of thing, and this film really hits that well. Everyone thinks everyone else has it wrong, can't really be happy that way, obviously the judge is correct, the judgee is futilely struggling through life. Reese Witherspoon is a really believable high school student (in terms of wardrobe and manner -- much like everyone in this film, no one is glammed). The characters are very real and flawed. I like that. I haven't laughed so hard during a sex scene... ever?

Sex. A lot of Diarylanders should not be having it (judgement!), or should at least be a lot more educated about it. Double-bagging is a major no-no (much more likely to create a condom rip). "[T]rust is better" than asking about possible sexual diseases and putting your life on the line by screwing without protection or knowledge. Hahaha, oh yeah. Yeah. Definitely. Sleeping with men twice your age is bad news too, even if I love the "i be the real muthafuckin' manic depressant diary entry of the day" title of a different entry, shades of The Onion's Herbert Kornfield. Jessica's diary design had a very Radiohead feel to it (which I liked), despite her complaints about seeing the bands lyrics (which I also liked). I will read more.

I was sucked into the horror-filled vortex that is Genesis' diary... oi. Definitely a car accident. You could be snarky and say her getting herpes (well, in all likelihood) is natural selection (despite its nonlethal nature, it sure makes sex a bugger) working its magic. While heartless, it's hard not to guiltily agree. However, the people I really wish nature would select out are people like her parents. Abuse begets abuse and victimization, neglect yields self-worthlessness. Exhibit B -- "I have no idea where I got my parenting skills from to this day" -- well, [the collective] you get them from your parents: monkey see, monkey do. "So I could go and do drugs but I couldn't fail in school. Boggles the mind." Yes, it does. So then what happens to this kid of hers? How does this chain change for the better? I can only hope.

A lot of the professions of love that I see, such as Genesis' being proposed to, say quite a bit. Fifteen year olds proposing marriage? *sigh* She says "i'd love to make him my world" -- that just makes me shudder (lack of own [happy] world -> grasping for others'); even worse was "it's almost like i love him so much that i want to consume his very being or something" from a later entry. One thing Mom and Dad taught me was that one and one make two; this whole concept/fantasy of two pieces of one soul coming back together in a couple needs to really be rethought. Two partials do not a whole make. Overinvolvement and narcissistic tendencies abound in that value set ("consume his very being"). Look, Tonya calls herself wesleysgirl. Hello?! Where is your identity? I wish a fleet of Dr. Drews would descend upon us.

*much much later*

I just got back from Baltimore. It was another meatfest among friends (except the veggieheads, heh); and again, the smell of rib sauce is still dancing off my fingers (not to mention the double cheeseburger deliciousness). Saw Fantasia 2000 on an IMAX screen... wow. It's cool to see artists unleashed to do whatever they want for the hell of it. I wouldn't call it fine art, so to speak, but it was really beautiful. The Sprite was an amazing feat of animation (in "The Firebird Suite"). Among our crowd, a lot of the people were alumni from my elementary school to my high school -- I knew a lot of dirt about other classmates who had gone different ways, it was funny to recount some of the tales. These people don't even know that I know all of this. How many people know shit about me and I am not aware of them knowing it (you)? Does Tom know that I know what he looks like and all the *bowmchikawawmp* details of his fucktacular prowess? (And furthermore, if Kidsparrow is so leery of this getting back to Tom, why did she not keep it private in a paper journal?) I was around two people with the flu, I hope I don't get sick.

Above, I was talking about sex. This guy does the same, but in different, uh, terms. But D-Love, my good man, you should really not leave such an obvious breadcrumb trail. Ahem. Whim: I like your porno stories, though, so we'll keep it a secret, okay?

I was also talking about love. And I'll elaborate a bit more, because this is certainly a view that probably bears me seeing it when I'm older for reconsideration. I've been thinking a lot about how upset Delirium was about earlier comments of mine. I debated a long time about addressing them here. I want to say that A) I did not read anything besides the entries of hers I linked in that entry of mine at the time it was written and B) I have since read and considered some of her deeper backstory, as well as a lot of information from alt.polyamory. The thoughts are still rolling around, but it's time to put some to the virtual paper and see what reverbs.

Recognized: It will be difficult to do this without coming off as a personal attack. But since the example and details are available, it's hard to not come off that way. Declared: Since it is neigh impossible to not have some meta-content in one's online diary, what will be will be. I stand by my statement that her [now erased] reply was "mostly good but somewhat misleadingly persmissive" (a pro-bisexuality [pro-anything!] diatribe is extremely unnecessary in a message to a 14 year old) but I wouldn't say she's not trustworthy if she truly buys into polyamory -- in her mind, no cheating is going on, so that's (trustworthiness) not something one can infer from her sexual situation. But the sexual situtation itself bears merit as a topic of discussion.

A while ago, I was talking to a friend at school about the fact that she likes her relationships open, because there are "so many nice people to cuddle with" or something like that. And another conversation participant/friend said something to the effect of "I have so many bugs in my one relationship that I couldn't even consider that until I got those worked out. And just when I think it's worked out, another one pops up." That's the basic philosophy I hold to when considering polyamory.

I wouldn't say my objections are coming from too moral an area (really, I think a lot of what "conservative" religion has to say is horsepoo) but rather a fairly logical standpoint. Even in the "explanation" Delirium goes into huge detail about the drama that ensues from being intimate with multiple people. And yes, even without sex, I'd be inclined to reject polyamory. Relationships take time, and effort, and energy, and dedication. You can say that polyamory operates on the principles of "respect and honesty" (which is what most of the reading I did boiled down to) but if you are spending time forging these relationships with multiple people, how intimate (non-sexually, even!) can it be, even if you are truly (and I question the possibility) honest? How much time in your life do you have for real friends, without sex even being part of the picture?

Sex is such a complicated and fascinating thing, it's like adding another dimension to the already difficult nature of deep relationships. What it comes down to is this: it's already ridiculously hard to find a person with which to be real -- if you're having multiple intimate relationships at once, shit is bound to go down in an unpretty way. Ah yes, you say, "Since it is so hard to find that one person, I find many!" To that I respond: "That sounds like a variation of the 'two pieces of one soul becoming one' that I harped on earlier. You create one lover from many -- there is nothing complete."

One of the stories I read mentioned how difficult ancient African tribes (for which this has been the norm since the dawn of time) find it. I'm doing a poor job of trying to get my logic across, I'm afraid. In this article, a polyamory supporter/practicer said exactly what I drive at: "If you're gonna do poly, you've got to have your relationship shit together or it's not going to work." That article also mentioned how people had to draw up contracts to work out who could do what with whom when and where. (Not all people of course, but you still have to set rules of some sort if you are "being honest" with one lover about what's going on with another.) You know what? If you have to be drawing up contracts about that sort of shit, doesn't it reek of "not the way our hearts want to work?" How can you not be jealous at some subconscious level if your relationship comes down to a piece of paper? (Every polyamory supporter reading this is probably saying "I'm not wired that way," -- also part of the FAQ -- and to that I say "How did you get wired as you are?" Low blow, but still worth asking.)

I believe your [collective] shit is never really completely together (we're only human), and throwing more variables into the equation doesn't help the matter. Based on what that the polyamorist above said, I'd say that since A -> B here, "it's not going to work" is the conclusion to which you will come. I do not say this as a slight in any way since I believe fully in the importance of mental health and respect for it, but Delirium goes on about being bipolar, which is something I would really want to deal with before I made my life a soap opera in polyamory style.

To tack on the bisexuality component, the two major parts are: 1) Dan Savage's theory that a bisexual can never be truly happy, since when when s/he has a male s/he wants a female, and when s/he has a female s/he wants a male. You never get the whole pie. 2) I see an overwhelming amount of bisexuality stemming from major baggage-filled histories. Again, not to say that everyone should be this pinnacle of stability, but it certainly seems worth noting. The first is more of a logical argument, the second a value call. Whatever.

Delirium already said that my previous remarks "[devalue her] experience," which is not what I intend to do. Moreover, this is meant to say "Question it," in a more general sense: one that is extrapolated from the personal details Delirium has put out for all to see. I don't expect anyone to be perfect, but a lot of this sounds to me like an excuse for immature jolly-getting. I am afraid this will break down into "you are not me and you cannot understand me" type of arguments, especially with the "differences in happiness" Election tie-ins I discussed. I'd be much more inclined to believe anti-monogamy arguments that relationships aren't forever and a support of serial monogamy (a very good friend of mine holds firm to this train of thought). Maybe I do not understand, but the "you aren't me" argument seems like a poor counter-response. It is difficult to escape the "...then polyamory isn't for you" response either, but I think it is equally hard to come back to my main [logical] point: human relationship drama doesn't need more than two players to be difficult enough as it is. How can you ever be truly happy if you're always caught up in a new problem with one of the loves? "That's the price I pay for my being truly happy as a poly." But then, is that the truest happiness (judgement!)? Whatever fire comes, that's what's been in my head. Like I said, hard to escape meta-content, but it all ties into what I've been thinking, so there it is.

I may have had more to say, but I just want to sleep now. Dr. Jordan (hahahaha) has left the building. Maybe I will articulate myself better later, and not at 4AM 5:20AM. Mmm. Ribs.