2002-05-27 :: 12:47 a.m.

lost and found

Soundtrack: none

In about eight hours or so, commencement will begin. By 1PM or so, I'll have my college diploma in hand. All the same questions come up. Was it worth it? Where are you going? (If yes to previous question: To do what? Do you have a place there yet? If no to previous question: Where are you traveling?) Who do you think you'll stay in touch with? Who do you wish you hooked up with? Can you believe it, that we actually fucking made it? No, really? Congratulations, best of luck.

I don't mind, but with Senior Week drinking and lack of sleep, I got sick a few days ago, and I'm always grumpy and childish when I'm sick. The sore throat is constantly brought to my attention whenever I swallow or hack up some post-nasal drip. It makes it hard to sing the school songs or cheer "Oh-Deuce" at the top of my lungs, the way I want to. My family's being pretty good about my churlishness. I'm glad they are here.

I haven't written too much in either my digital or paper journal in the past couple of months. I've been living without too much overanalysis. Sometimes I feel like it's just a sign of getting tired and sloppy, that I'm losing my touch, that I'm not remembering or considering as much as I once did. Maybe it's just a function of getting older and not caring so damn much about everything. Without a hell of a lot of effort on my part, the end of college has been flowing pretty well. Maybe I don't want to curse it.

At the same time, I want to remember it. I've taken a lot of photos in the past few days, a few last grasps for physically-represented memories, for something to remind me of all the faces I may never see for years, forever. I wish my stupid Elph hadn't broken, but the disposables usually turn out pretty good pictures, too. I wrote a 37 page paper for my Worldviews class, and I think that it effectively summed up my feelings at this point in time. I tell myself that maybe I spent all my writing energy there, but I know that a lot of it is lack of momentum and fear of failing to include everything. I don't really run out of writing gas, just motivation to get off my ass and do something. And I am still a little too all-or-nothing for my own good.

I worry about being alone next year. I know that Robyn will be with me for a while, and there will be tons of alumni around, and there will be friends at work, and probably even in my neighborhood, once I get to know it. But sometimes when I run into a bunch of people I know here during a commencement event, or even just when I walk around with my family along the river, I think to myself that it will never be quite like this again. We will all be moving on and moving elsewhere. Reunions will be far away and not everyone will come, and even if they do, there's no guarantee that I will want to or be able to come. My sister will remain here, my parents will return to their home, and I will take up my own residence in between the two existing family outposts (geographically speaking). I sit up in bed sometimes and wonder how life will be away from this city I've called home for the past few years. I wonder how I'll get hugs when Robyn moves out to live in Sacremento in October.

I know I much preferred college to any other school experience I ever had. I think I did find out a lot about myself here, found a lot of interests in and out of the classroom, and more generally, learned how to continue finding. I like that a lot of the commencement speeches have included the theme of wisdom. Among the prized virtues in men, wisdom is one that must be cultivated over time. I would like to think that I have at least begun to sow the seeds for a good future crop, but oh, time, time, time, only time will tell.

In just a few hours, I lose the job description "student." In just a few hours, I'll be ... oh, who knows. One of my roommates just came in and informed me that I missed Final Fling, when everyone sweatily hooks up in the gym or something. I feel kind of shit for having missed that, if only to see a few more people, take a few more photos, maybe tell a few girls who barely know me that they're beautiful, but like everything else college-related (with the sole exception of commencement), it's done, and I can't look back right now. Not when I need to go to sleep.