2000-05-14 :: 21:48:59

funnier than blonde women

[ From here until noted written 04/18/00, slight edits on 05/14/00 ]

Soundtrack: Device, "Musicforthelonelyinternationalalcoholic" promo CD; Adam Clayton & Larry Mullen, "Theme From Mission: Impossible" single

'Why am I listening to some promotional CD?' you ask. Good question, that.

How about a story? Shall we? Let's do.

Today I was walking down the street with Brett and we ran into a gangly fellow with a leather jacket on. He had scruffy dark brown hair, brown eyes, and a metal-rimmed tooth just off to the right of his front teeth (handsome in a shaggy rock way otherwise). "Do you like Britpop?" he asked us, in a very British accent.

Brett and I were not expecting this; we were expecting to go to Au Bon Pain and pay too much money for lunch. "Yes," we said, somewhat taken aback.

He continued: "You see, my band is on the way to a gig in New York, but it's tomorrow, and we're stopped over here for a day, so we've got this last-minute show tonight at The Met Caf�. It says The Met Bar here," he held out a flyer, "but that's 'cause I was drunk when I wrote it." He might have said he was tired, I'm not sure. Well, I was actually intrigued, so I let him go on: "Dave Virr of WERS has a British show, says we're up there with Catherine Wheel, Radiohead, and Travis. We're trying to break out here, but you're a tough nut to crack," he said with a grin. I agreed that indeed we were. Those were some credentials (the bands, I don't know who the hell Dave Virr is), so Brett and I said we'd be there, and he gave us the flyer.

Brett ended up bailing on me at the last minute but I decided to go anyway; I didn't have much else but work to do. So I went down in the rain, taking earplugs and deciding against taking my camera. When I arrived, I thought the guy might have been kidding me at first; the Met looked deserted. But it was just really damn empty - maybe 10 other people were there, tops. I took a seat in a booth and watched them soundcheck (I had, due to my planned tardiness, conveniently missed the first act).

I sat in the booth for some time, keeping quiet and watching the "crowd." Device finished the check and immediately launched their set, which they played with general glee. The lead guitarist was the guy who had approached me on the street. He'd hop around and play out in the audience area facing the band, applaud them, that sort of thing. They made remarks like "You're all beautiful for staying," and "Could you increase the volume of the keys? And increase Jim's penis size while you are at it?" and "Can you believe we get paid to do this within the boundaries of the United Kingdom?"

I wasn't the biggest fan, but I liked enough of it. The drum sequencer seemed kind of elementary and shoe-horned, but a few (often the softer) songs stuck out. The lead singer was dubious; his voice seemed to give out on him a little too often and get lost in the mix. The guitarist was a much more vibrant front-man type persona. There were two girls sitting on the couch in front of me, a made-up (heavy on the blue eye-shadow), pretty-in-a-hard-way blonde one who was smoking, drinking drafts, and occasionally pacing around on her cell phone, and a chunkier brunette who was clearly playing the ugly-second-banana role (you know, the one that makes the blonde look better). They playfully yelled at the band and offered to bring them drinks on stage, which they did - helpful after the guitarist knocked the mic stand into the lead singer's cup. The rest of the crowd was either there for the drinks or the "headliner," a local [high-school?] band called London. They sucked and every song was 7 minutes long, complete with every member except the rather dorky bassist attempting to showboat (constant drumstick spins, guitarist sneers/gesticulations). I think I was the only one there with ear protection; the girls that seemed to be there for them suffered a great deal of hearing loss for no good reason, unfortunately.

I feel so old for caring about hearing loss. I used to not care, used to think Grandma was being a pest for scolding me about not wearing earplugs when I went out to concerts.

I watched as the guitarist sat between the two girls on the couch, arms around them, charming them with his British smoothness. It was quite something, really, how he deftly began placing the moves on the blonde and somehow lost the brunette in the shuffle. It was very clear where this was going, but it was not clear if the blonde and he were an item or not - she definitely looked American. For whatever reason I stuck through London's set despite hating every song, watching as Device packed up, pounding water (thirsty from the crepe I hammered before my jaunt downtown). The guitarist went back and forth quite a bit, always keeping tabs on the blonde, getting a little arm around her here, a nuzzle to her neck there. Quite a pro.

Alright, the promo CD only has five songs, so I'm switching up. Having just recently seen Mission: Impossible (mmm, DVD), I am even more enamored of this single. One must truly appreciate the beautiful word games/power plays and horrible technology references ("I want the prototype 686 with the artificial intelligence RISC chip!"). Oh yes, and the "shit blowing up" parts.

So I am preparing to leave, and the guitarist and blonde are now snogging away in the club's doorway, with the music equipment blocking any other chance of passing.

Oh hell. It's 4AM. I'll make some notes and write this rest of this tomorrow.

[ Picked up again on 05/14/00 @ ~1:45AM]

Soundtrack: A DJ Shadow set, live from La Luna - MP3

Well, seeing as how this is nearly a month ago I considered never finishing this. I include too many details, that is the problem with diary stories. But I have the notes, so I'll see if I can reconstruct this.

After I saw the guitarist and the girl going at it, I began talking to the now very-drunk lead singer, who was clad in an FBI t-shirt. I asked him if that was a Guided By Voices reference, and he had no idea what I was talking about, explaining that it would be cool in the UK 'cause no one has any clue what the FBI is (!).

At this point I ran into the guitarist, whose name I discovered was William. He was sauced too, but quite happy to see that I had made good on my promise to come to the show and told me I simply had to have a CD. Apologizing because I had no money (a lie), he explained that their CD's were all giveaway since they couldn't afford import taxes on them. I got out of the band's way while they moved their stuff. Eventually he found me a CD and I went outside, opening my umbrella in the rain. The blonde girl was now outside and remarked happily to me that at least she wasn't the only one with some sense (she had a pink umbrella overhead, we were the only two with any rain gear).

The band was now deciding what they would do for the night; I was listening in. The debate centered about either going to New York that night or sleeping in a hotel, which Katie was offering. I was confused, as Katie is one of the managers for Lupo's (the sister club of the Met) and I figured she wouldn't be providing a hotel room for a band that brought about five people to see it. As it turns out, the Katie in question was the blonde girl, and she was from Northeastern, which definitely meant she was American (her non-accent was another clue). Eventually they decided they wanted to go to Viva, the euro bar near campus. The problem then was deciding on a driver, since all of them were drunk. Katie turned to me and said "He'll drive!" which she followed up with "You do have a license, right?"

I was rather taken aback, considering I didn't know any of these people and had barely spoken more than five sentences to any one of them. Now at this point I had to reassess the situation. Should I be getting into a car with a bunch of drunks? They all seemed to be pretty jovial drunks, nothing nasty. Alright, it's college. How often do you get to drive around drunk British rockers and their American groupies? Heh. I decided I'd do it. It was bound to be an interesting memory. The group splintered, I went with William, Katie, and Robin. Robin, as it turns out, is a college mate of William's from back over the ocean - they happened to run into each other on Thayer where William was flyering due to the coincidental 2-week visiting professorship of Robin at RISD.

We walked up several blocks and arrived at a red Grand Am. Katie tossed a large empty cardboard box out of the backseat onto the asphalt, which William thought was "very rock and roll." She prepared to hand over the keys to me and I made some remark like "You're a trusting girl," which made her get skeptical on me but I stifled her reconsideration with a "You're drunk." She warned me not to hit the box as I pulled back, I informed her that I was well aware of the box's presence and had no intention of making contact with it.

As we pulled onto the first of several one-way drags, Katie inquired where I was from, and upon my telling her, she announced "Oh, [her ugly friend whose name I can't remember] is from there!" Annoyed from her initial backseat driving, all I replied was a very curt "Well, isn't that something." This sent William and Robin into peals of laughter and they began saying things about how very dry that was and how they didn't realize Americans had that humor in them. "There are a few of us," I said, and kept on driving. Realizing that the laugh was at her expense, Katie demanded I pull the car over because she didn't want me driving anymore. It was raining, but the curb had plenty of room, so I immediately slammed the brakes on and parked on the side of the road. William and Robin were broken up even harder now; Katie, now further ticked, told me to just keep driving, which was quite fine with me. Despite all of this, Katie continued talking to me. First she wanted to know if I was single, and I told her that I am. Then she informed me of how much I reminded her of her cousin who goes to Harvard. In return, I told her that Harvard has a stick up its ass. The truth is I have friends at Harvard that I like very much, but that is generally my take on the place.

Given that I hadn't driven her car before (though it was an automatic, even the basics [i.e. lights] were hard to find on that puppy), that I had driven in Providence once before (down one road, without turning or anything of that sort), and that Providence has the worst signage this side of DC, the ride was pretty short.

I wish I wasn't so tired. I'll honestly finish this when I wake up.

[ Asleep @ 2:30AM ]

[ Picked up @ 7:15PM ]

Soundtrack: Orbital, "Orbital 2" - MP3; Propellerheads, "Decksanddrumsandrockandroll" - MP3

So I woke up at 4PM. Radical. On a side note, I am sure the tenses change like crazy in here, so I apologize for that. And for the tense changes that probably crop up in general.

When we finally got up College Hill, Katie had to shut William and Robin up so I could figure out where they wanted me to park. Providence has idiotic parking laws but due to my ignorance of where we could park without a ticket (seeing as how I never drive here) I just decided to park her on the street (virtually guaranteeing a morning ticket, but those are only $10). As we got out, I told Katie to turn off the lights and lock the car up since I couldn't see the switches. After locking things up and slamming the door, she turned to me and said, "You do have the car keys, right?"

"Katie, I told you, 'Grab the keys and lock up the car.'" "The driver is supposed to take the keys!" "You're drunk, why are you arguing with me?" Of course, I had the keys, but I thought it would be funny to keep this up for a minute before they figured me out. As it turns out, they bought it, which made it even funnier. At this point Katie said "We're fucked!" and started trying to figure out how to get in touch with AAA. William announced "You're never fucked, we didn't even come here with instruments." That impressed me (I still wonder who hooked them up with gear). Katie accused me of having the keys in the pocket of my hoodie, and I demonstrated that the CD was there and pulled my dorm keys out of my pants pocket, offering them since they were "all I had."

William got bright and asked me where I left them, proposing the ignition. Knowing I was about to be found out, I mumbled an "I guess" and he of course returned with a grin, reporting that they certainly were not there, as far as he could see. "I tell you what, Jordan, I'll take the keys from you and say I found them in the gutter, and we'll meet you in the bar." "Okay, William. I hope I didn't mess your game up."

I waited for them anyway since he didn't even know where on the block Viva was. The bouncers didn't card us, it was hilarious (Viva has weird, varying stringent/not-stringent carding policies). I sat on Robin's right; two seats to the left of him sat Katie, and then William. Eventually the rest of the band managed to show up. Katie was glaring at me, so I just chatted it up with Robin, telling him that this was going to be quite a good story to tell the girl I like(d). "Oh, so you do have someone in your sights," he remarked, in light of the car discussion. "Well, eyesight..."

I got up to wash my hands and ran into William in the bathroom. "So, William, did I mess things up for you? How's the game?" "Well, Jordan, I really enjoy your humor, but I can't associate with you outside in front of Katie. Things are off track a bit but that makes it more interesting." He paused briefly. "But I really want to fuck this bird." The way he said the last sentence was quite rock and roll. I commented on his leaving without washing up. "I enjoy tasting my piss in the beer!" he replied cheerfully.

Back outside I ordered a cosmopolitan at last call, and remarked to Robin that I didn't think Katie knew what she had gotten into. "What, William?" he asked. "No, I think William is going to get into Katie," I said in an offhand fashion. Robin broke out laughing at that. I watched William and Katie and considered the little mating dance going on. "She thinks she is in control, when in reality I think it's all him at this point...I think he's in like Flynn." I don't know if Robin agreed or not; I don't know if I agree or not, now. I do remember William using the phrase "In there like swimwear" at some point in the night, which I found amusing. Robin and I chatted with the bartender, Richard, who was pleased that anyone in Viva was actually talking to him. He was a crisp middle-aged short-hair-cut-balding guy, not the typical young-beautiful-euro type.

Finally William asked me to come over and make up with Katie, and Katie affirmed the sentiment, so I scooted over and William went over to chat up Robin. Katie began telling me how sure she was that I am a good person, despite this exterior. "Do you think this is how I really am? Or am I just acting this way?" I asked her. We had a back and forth, I accused her of judging me, but it seemed to all be in pretty good humor at that point. "I know you are nice on the inside," she told me. I figure [now] that she was being honest, and that's pleasing.

Probably my favorite exchange: "So what did you major in at Northeastern?" "Chemical engineering." "Then why aren't you working for a petroleum company?" [pause] "I didn't really major in chemical engineering." "I didn't believe you." "Why?" "I don't think you'd have the patience for all of that." "Yeah, I majored in graphic arts." "That would make more sense with your zebra print shirt."

By now, I was very sorry I didn't bring my camera. I wanted to remember how these people looked and to have some proof of this rather ridiculous incident. That's really the reason why I write this now, it's as close to photos as I can really come. I had a real feeling that I ought to take my camera with me, I don't know why I didn't listen to the little voice.

Viva was now closing and the nasty apeish bouncer/bartender from Paragon (its sister restaurant) was scooting people out the door. I was over hanging out with Chris (the bassist), Dan (the drummer) and Jim (the keyboardist). Dan and I had already talked about Acid and drum looping, which is apparently what he uses, so that was neat (even if I didn't like his loops that much). Jim was very drunk (he signed my CD to "George"); he fell over as he was trying to get up and broke some paneling off the heater(?) on the wall. I quickly jammed it in place with a chair and left, hoping the bouncer wouldn't see as I'd heard a story about the owner of the place beating a kid up for accidentally cracking a window from outside the place.

Standing outside Viva, the band decided it wanted to go to some bar downtown called Jerky's. I had never heard of it and recommended they continue on to some of the nearer bars, since Jerky's would probably be closed by the time they got there. "My God, we're lost the drummer! We're going to New York with only three of the band left!" exclaimed Chris. The lead singer was thought to be off with some girl, and they were all pleased by that. I turned to William, who grinned and said "This is rock and roll, it's slow, but it's fun." Sounded about right.

Katie was cold and William offered her his grey "jumper," she was already wearing his leather jacket. While the band was getting its shit together, I started talking to her again, and found out that she was 22 or 23 (I can't remember) and that her last serious relationship was a year ago. That last question started her off on telling me more: it had been her first serious boyfriend, and lasted about a year. All of a sudden she realized she was getting personal and asked me why I was asking her these questions. "Well, you're drunk. They're good questions to ask drunk people." "I am not drunk, I never drink more than two beers. I am totally not drunk." I was amused since she had certainly been drinking at the bar, red wine, if I recall correctly. She continued: "I'll ask you embarrassing questions." I was fine with answering them, and even went into decent detail; William was impressed ("Oh, very good.").

They were all about ready to leave for Jerky's, some of the girls the band had met up with in Viva were standing around as well near me and turned down an invitation from the band to come. We joked about our schools and how they must be too cool for me. Katie's friend had arrived (we'd discussed high schools in Viva) and was driving now, but I couldn't remember if she had been drinking or not. In the end, I decided I didn't want anyone driving me right now; it was time to get off the roller coaster while I still could say it was a good time.

They left Katie's car sitting outside Store 24. She and William were in the backseat, and she leaned over him and shook my hand goodbye. "Well, I'm sorry to lose you, Jordan," William said. I told him I'd email them (I have yet to do that, I will). I regretted watching them pass by me as I walked by campus to my dorm, but I knew it was the right choice. I looked down at my CD and smiled at William's inscription: "Jordan - Funnier than blonde women. William [Incomprehensible]."

I turned back; went inside Store 24, and bought a college-themed postcard. On it, I wrote:

"dear Katie, Hope you didn't get a ticket. Don't be a stranger, now. -J."

I self-addressed it, wiped off the rain from her windshield with some napkins, and placed it writing-down under the right wiper.

As I expected, she never did write back.